Runners Up

As you are read through these honorable mentions, you might wonder why they weren’t the winning entries. They are all worthy. Some years there were more than others. These lies are in no particular order, unless noted.

2015

It has been so dry here that the river is only running every other day.
–Neil Everts

According to research presented at the 2015 World Climate summit, a major climate shift occurred as the result of hot flashes experienced when the Baby Boomers reached menopause.
–Jill Rozell

2014

Some species of elephants have red toe nails in order to hide in strawberry patches.
– Joshua Naker

I was eating in an outdoor cafe. It rained so hard it took me one hour to finish my soup.
–Thomas J. Balza

2013

I have two dogs. I named them Go Away and Nevermind. Whenever I call Go Away he disappears. And if I call Nevermind, then Go Away comes back.
– Kevin Duerson

I knew an old blacksmith and farrier that was so good he could shoe a running horse.
– Wayne Everts

I grew up in a family so large and so poor so my mother used a pill splitter to divide up a bag of M&M’s and then passed them around.
– Rita Schumacher

It was sooo cold one morning in Plainfield that my neighbor’s dog was froze to my rear tire.
– David Poetzel

Wisconsin is known for its cheeses. The other day, I went to a local cheese mart and picked up some 10-year-old cheddar. It was so sharp it cut my tongue in three places, but was worth it.
– David Oldenburg

2012

It was sooooooo dry this past summer, a Piss Elm tree was following a dog around.
– Gene C. Lasch

I have been out of work so long that I think that my cat is jealous of my life.
– Ed Zillmer

Because of the severe drought of 2012, what the first freeze came, all the lakes and ponds had dry ice in them.
– Ed Gillmore

2011

The other day, I attended my first baseball game. All through the game, I kept hearing a dog barking. Finally, toward the end of the game, I asked the person next to me what was with the dog barking. He told me, “The home plate umpire’s sight is so bad he has his dog help him. One bark is a strike, two barks is a ball, one quick howl is an out and a long howl means the runner is safe at home.”
– Dennis “Shrub” Busch

I have an unwanted collection of chairs. It seems that every time I visit a doctor’s office the receptionist asks me to please take a chair. So I do.
– Frank Seurer

2010

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ellen Everts

My neighbor’s scarecrow was so good that the crows brought back the corn they stole last year.
Daryl Lockwood

2009

When I was young, I had a very good chance to make it to the Major League in baseball. I had a strong arm, blazing speed, and hit the ball well. After being watched by the scouts, it was my blazing speed that did me in. Being a left-handed batter and hitting line drives between first and second base, the ball would hit me as I was running to second base. I would then be called out for interference.
– Jerome N. Olson

I am an air traffic controller. I have the same name as my dad. He won the Burlington Liars Club Championship last year. Big trouble: The pilots won’t believe me. Now it takes two to land a plane. I give the pilots my instructions. A second controller tells them I’m telling the truth.
– Garth Seehawer

This year the ticks are so bad, that the other day I opened my wallet to show someone a picture of my dog, and there was a tick on the photo!
– Bob Rosera

God came to me in my sleep one night and shouted out the 10 Commandements. When he got to “Thou shalt not tell a lie”; he reminded me that I am a member of the Burlington Liars Club.
– Joe Schroeder

2008

On a recent flight from New York to LA, we were watching the in-flight movie called “Cocoon.” It was during a pool scene that we encountered some very violent turbulence. It was so rough that the water in the pool in the movie splashed out onto the passengers and an onboard life raft inflated! The flight crew had to hand out towels to dry us all off!
– Jim Kubath

When my uncle wakes up in the morning he often yawns and says, “I could stretch a mile.” Of course, he never does since he’s too lazy to walk back.
– Ellen Everts

It used to be in the winter when I walked into my house my glasses would fog up. But now, at the cost of fuel, I have my temperature down so low that when I go outside my glasses fog up.
– Jerry Olson

I knew I had to lose weight when both the automatic in and out doors opened when I entered the grocery store.
–Michael E. Peters

I have three German shepherds, outside dogs. This morning, it was SO cold outside that one of my dogs were trying to “jump start” the other!
– Richard Bosanko

This summer with gas at $4.25 per gallon, I drove up to a prepay gas station and asked the lady clerk for $5 worth of gas. She farted and handed me a receipt!
– Gene C. Lasch

2007

I had so many divots this past summer, the government named three golf courses federal disaster areas.
– Mardy Nersesian

A full moon and a hot summer night prompted me to take my boat out on the Fox River to go catfishing. Bam! A hit right away. I could hardly hold onto my pole, he took the line out, pulling me and my boat behind him. He then circled my boat, spinning it around and around. Snap! He went under my boat, breaking the line, but not before I got a glimpse of a 60-pound catfish with so many lures attached to him, that I could hear him clanging through the water, as he swam away.
– Dusty Thew

I’m so lonely I drive down one-way streets the wrong way, just to get someone to wave to me.
– David Laing

My cooking is a problem with my new stove. I cannot double my recipes, my oven will not go up to 700 degrees F.
– Tom Balza

At the Packers spring minicamp this year, two backup quarterbacks were playing catch using a clock instead of a football. “When a coach asked them what they were doing, one replied, “Well, with Favre around, we were just passing time.”
– Dave Moscinski

2006

He made the grandkids a telephone of two tin cans and a string. They thought it was great at first, but they threw it away after the 10th or 11th telemarketing call.
– Garth Seehawer

There were so many political yard signs up during the last election, he accidentally voted for Shorewest Realtors.
– Thomas Binder

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. But if you grab it by its ears and hold its snout in the bucket long enough, it will either drink or learn to breath through its eyes.
– Rick Schaaf

The winter in northern Wisconsin was so severe last year that I was able to sublet the basement of my ice fishing shanty.
Bruce Zonow

Her friend is so cheap that when she wakes up in the morning, she looks under the bed to see if she lost any sleep.
– Ellen Everts

My wife had so many magnets attached to the refrigerator during the winter months, causing it to run backwards. We now use it for a heating appliance.
– Jim Blazek

2005

Six months ago, due to a broken taillight, I got picked up for speeding. I was going the speed limit, so when I saw red lights go on behind me I sped up. I got up to 75, 80, 85 and then 90 miles per hour. Finally I pulled over. By now the police officer was pretty mad! He said, “What is your problem? I was just trying to stop you for a broken taillight.” I explained to him that two weeks ago my wife ran away with a police officer and when I saw the red lights flashing behind me, I thought he was trying to return her.”
– DeLyle Olson

Not to say the price of gasoline is high out here (Palm Springs), but each gas station has its own loan officer.
– Jim Kubath

My closet is so damp that my wooden shoe trees are sprouting branches.
– R.M. Eimermann

My neighbor eats fish three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. In fact, he eats so many fish that each spring he gets the urge to swim upstream and spawn.
– Gene Lasch

A fellow had a mind so narrow that all his thoughts went through sideways.
– “Wild Bill” Taylor

I work with an old carpenter who has a folding rule which has all the markings and numbers worn off. He still uses the rule and explains that his memory is so good that he knows where all the marks and numbers are.
– Jim Stark

2004

A little old man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang. It was his wife. “Dear,” she said, “I just heard on the radio that a car is going the wrong way on your highway, so please be careful.” The man replied, “It’s not just one car, there are hundreds of them!”
– Maxine Christianson

My new dehumidifier is so powerful it sucked all of the water out of the washing machine and the laundry came out dry-cleaned.
– Bob Kools

The roots of an old oak tree grew so deep that instead of dropping acorns, the tree now drops fortune cookies.
– Millie Shallock

My girlfriend demonstrated an anti-wrinkle cream that worked so well it eliminated her fingerprints.
– Bill Koranda

2003

Spring was so late this year that the June bugs didn’t arrive until the middle of August.
– John Hilgers

A Norwegian in Wisconsin has a brother in North Dakota who passed away. He made arrangements with another brother to take care of the burial and to send him bills for half the expenses. Shortly thereafter he got a bill for $200, so he sent $100, which he concluded was his share. A week later he got a bill for $22.50, the next week another bill for $22.50 and the same thing the next week. He wrote his brother wondering about the bills. “Vell,” says the brother, “you know our brother never had a suit to be buried in; I rented him a tuxedo.”
– Maxine Christensen

When I was a child, my family was so poor that burglars would break into our house and leave things.
– Dennis Miller

I planted cut-worms with my pumpkin seeds. The results: At harvest time there were hollowed out pumpkins with carved faces – perfect for Jack-o-lanterns.
– Art LaCour

Everyone was wondering when winter would finally arrive. Even the geese were flying in question mark formations.
– Wendy Rosenow

2002

A local deli has been in business for 40 years. It has sold one million pastrami sandwiches, but just last week they had to purchase another pound of meat. They slice it so thin, the meat has only one side.
– Jim Kubath

I like to obey traffic laws, I stay one car length back from the car in front of me for every 10 mph I am traveling, but the plan has backfired. When I tried to drive the 20 miles north to Milwaukee, so many cars cut in front of me, pushing me back another car length, that I ended up far to the south in Chicago, so I took the train home.
– Tom Tommerup

I have an enthusiastic ice-fisherman friend. When he goes to the Florida Keys for the winter, he takes several freezers to make ice rings so he can fish through the ice all winter.
– Everett Squire

A factory worker named Otto likes to joke about his wooden left leg. When anyone bumps his leg, he says “Ouch.” Otto’s left foot was once pierced by a nail sticking out of a board. He jumped around and said he would now have to get a tetanus shot. Otto said, “Sure, the leg is wood, but the foot is real.”
– Kevin Graham

My neighbor’s over-fertilized grass grew out of control. Once while mowing his lawn, he had to leave suddenly. He shut off the mower and left it in the yard. When he returned, the speedy grass had covered the mower. Luckily it was an electric mower and he could follow the cord from the outlet and find it.
– Ed Malcheski

A man bought a compact car to fight skyrocketing gasoline prices. In fact, the little car is so good on gas that every now and then he has to take some out.
– Steve Eron

A beekeeper in town can produce more honey than any other beekeeper. When asked how, the beekeeper said he crosses honey bees with lightning bugs so they can work at night.
– Kenneth Hunter

I live on a farm that has one field on a very steep hill. My father built a wagon that has wheels two feet higher on one side so the wagon will stay level. It works fine, but it was a nuisance to have to change the wheels around when you want to go the other way.
– R. Turrell

1997

Some years ago, my father told me there was a year of drought where it did not rain. He planted potatoes which didn’t hardly grow with no rain, so he planted a row of onions between each row of potatoes. When the scent of the onions got in the eyes of the potatoes, it made their eyes water. He said he had a bumper crop of potatoes and onions. Other people wonder how he did it.
– Donald B. Streich

When I was a youngster, we had an old pair of 10-pound dumbbells around the house. At the close of one school year, I decided that I was going to build up my body. All day long, I moved those dumbbells up and down, front and back, to the side, and every way I could think of. By September, I had built up some pretty good muscle. However, the dumbbells looked a little limp and tired. So I weighed them and found that they each weighed only 8 pounds.
– John Peter Wolter

After my retirement from the Burlington Police Department, I thought I would get away from the hustle and bustle of the big city, so I moved out to the boondocks. Now I live so far out in the sticks that I have to flip the light switch on 15 minutes before I want to bulb to light. It takes that long for the power to get here.
– Jim Kubath

I finally stopped smoking when both of the smoke detectors in my house stopped beeping and started to cough.
– Roman L. Grueter

My wife is awful about losing or misplacing her keys. During spring cleaning last year, she misplaced eight keys from her piano.
– William Carr

I sent my dog to obedience school and I guess it was a success, because now it says grace before it bites.
– Ericka Carr, age 10

In April of 1996, my wife and I bought a new car with all the “bells and whistles.” It has been great for us and we have enjoyed all those fine, new features. The one which we probably enjoyed the very most was the remote gadget on the key chain for unlocking the car before we even arrived at the car – until this year. In March of 1997, the winds in this northeastern part of Illinois were so strong that I had to stand on the upwind side of the car to use the remote to unlock the doors.
– Elden Madden

1996

I work for a life insurance company that pays claims so fast that last week a tenant fell off the 17th floor of our building and the claims department on the 4th floor handed him his check out the window as he passed by
– Patrick Braun

A few years ago in this farming community, we had a bad drought and had no water in our reservoir. It looked like our crops would burn up, but our forefathers had planted the whole side hill with weeping willow trees. We went to town and bought all the tear gas we could find, came home and sprayed those trees. Their tears ran down the side hill and filled our reservoir. Not only did our crops get a drink, but the soil was fertilized so well that you could stand still for five minutes on a clear day and your shadow would grow a foot long.
– Verdun Fonnesbeck

My 3-year-old son, Dylan, has a frightening tendency to run away at the mall and disappear among the shoppers. A friend recommended a child safety leash as a remedy, and I’ve kept him tethered to me, wrist-to-wrist. Last month, at a crowded pet show, the precaution paid off handsomely. The judges awarded Dylan a $500 prize as the breed most resembling its master.
– Tom Stoeger

I am always reminding my grandchildren that when I was a teenager, we had kerosene guitars.
– Lowell Wolfe

1995

My grandfather was considered to be the best fisherman ever – that is, until they found out what he was doing! His secret was simple. In the evening, he would go out for a ride in the boat, just to look things over. While he was out there, he would throw a pound of finely chopped liver into the water. Then the next morning, when he went out to fish, the fish had so much iron in their blood, he would catch them with a magnet
– Bill Carr

My wife saved so much money shopping at sales that we were able to quit our jobs and live off the money she saved.
– Kenneth J. Pier

Many years ago, I had the only air station in this area to fill SCUBA tanks for the new sport of SCUBA diving. The sales of air were so great that I had my compressor in the garage pumping 24 hours a day. I was constantly building more and more shelves, until the whole garage was full of shelves, just to store the air needed to supply the compressor to fill the diving tanks.
– Chuck Stanley

Before we visited our daughter and her husband who work and live on Adak in the Aleutian Islands 1,200 miles southwest of Anchorage, they warned us about the long rainstorms with extremely high and steady winds. It began to rain the day after we arrived, and the wind blew the rain so horizontal, it took over five hours for the ground to get wet.
– Al Greddenius

It was Sunday, the last day of deer season, and the fog was starting to set in. I fired at a large buck, but the fog was so thick, the bullet didn’t get there to hit the deer ’til Monday. I got the large buck okay but was arrested for shooting in closed season. It was easy for the warden to determine it was a fresh kill. It seems the warden followed the bullet hole in the fog to my cabin and hunting area.
– John Carey

Just so you know, it is so hot today that they are catching fried fish at Lake Michigan.
– Richard Stenson

The endless mountains region of northwest Pennsylvania is noted for its high hills and deep narrow valleys. The electric power transmission lines are often stretched from the top of one hill to the top of the next. As a boy in the 1930s, we lived in one of these deep valleys. When the first electrical lines were put in, a branch line was run from the mainline down to our farm. The hill and the line were so steep that the voltage gained so much speed that it kept blowing out the light bulbs.
– Richard Turrell

Four additional honorable mentions were awarded to pupils in room 202 at Cooper Elementary School in Burlington, who submitted lies as part of a classroom project.

There was a man that walked into a hardware store one day. He asked for nails. The clerk said, “How long would you like them?” He replied, “Well, I was hoping to keep them.”
– Ryan Koch

My family is so poor, we go to Kentucky Fried Chicken just to lick the peoples’ fingers.
– Eric Sutkay

My dad is the local undertaker. Sometimes it is so quiet at work he has to pinch himself to make sure the people aren’t coming to visit him.
– Joel Daniels

There was a guy so stupid that when he went to the movies and the sign said “Under 17 not admitted,” he went out and got 16 of his friends.
– Jeff Cecelia

1981

Once upon a time I planted a field of wheat with a horse-drawn planter. The seed was so potent I had to drive the horses at a gallop so the seed would be in the ground before it sprouted.
– Paul Gaiser

People are always in awe of my ability to grow huge potatoes and in such great quantity, and ask of me my secret to which I reply, “Well, you see the trick to growing spuds is lots of water. And what I do is plant onions between the hills of spuds. You see the onions cause the eyes of the potatoes to water, which in turn keeps the potato plants water continually.”
– Don W. Carey II

One day Pa and I, went up to the mountains to cut us a grindstone. We got it all cut out and a hole in the middle to put a pole through when one of my brothers came to fetch us as something had happened at home and we were needed at once. We left the grindstone and returned home. A few years later, we decided to go back up there to see if our grindstone was still there. Of course, it was gone. Then we noticed a notch cut between the mountains. Then we heard something going swish, swish, so we looked down in this notch. The stone had made this notch rolling up one side and down the other until it was wore away leaving only the hole, which was going swish, swish, swish, swish.
– Kelly P. R. Bennett

My neighbor and I decided to nail large wooden shingles on his house roof one morning, even though the weather report wasn’t too promising. Well, we got all the gear and the ladders rigged up and opened a small barrel of long nails, climbed up on the the roof and went to work. We were at it most of the morning and stayed with the job, even though a heavy fog swept in from the southeast. Staying on the job during that heavy fog, caused us to nail several rows of shingles together six feet beyond the peak of the roof before we realized how far we had actually gone.
– William A. Carpenter

I have a home on a very small lake thirty miles north of Madison. Fishing is so terrific that every cast made brings two fish in on a single hook. To prove just how many fish this lake holds, nearly half of them are forced to come up on the banks to sleep at night.
– H. L. Dunse

Back in the sixties, I spent a few years in the U.S. Navy. Now I’m not going to say we drank a lot of coffee, but, one time we were anchored off the coast of San Francisco for a four-day period. They had to hire FOUR TUG BOATS just to pull us off the coffee grounds.
– Jim Kubath

Two summers ago, when I started painting, I painted the picture of a fire glowing in a fireplace and hung it in our living room. The fire was so real that it gave off heat. During the winter, we noticed the room felt considerably warmer than the other rooms in the house. We also noticed that our fuel bills were much lower than usual. The next year, I painted similar pictures and hung one in each room of our home. The entire house remained so comfortable through the winter that we no longer had to pay fuel bills.
– James C. Hetzel, O.D.

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